Stop time, please...

Tonight at 10:50pm, I am sitting on the couch by myself watching the end of The Bachelor and I realize I want to stop time. No, not because of The Bachelor. I want time to stop because tonight is the last night of my maternity leave. This is the first of many lasts. I didn't think this would be hard for me but I guess it is hitting me a little more than I thought it would.

When AJ and I began talking about having kids, we both agreed that we wanted to have 2 kids. I may have said this before that I am the middle child of 3 and AJ is the youngest of 2 and we both felt 2 was a perfect number for us. When I was pregnant with Porter, I got sick and did not enjoy being pregnant at all. My labor and delivery was the least enjoyable as well so it was a miracle I wanted to do this all over again.

Then in April of 2010 I jokingly told AJ we should try for another one and that night we did and the next morning I woke up in a panic afraid of what we may have done. AJ reassured me it was just one try and it had taken us 2 1/2 years to get pregnant with Porter. So my panic subsided only to become reality on Mother's Day 2010. We were excited and even more excited when we learned that Magnolia Raine would be entering our lives. Another pregnancy and more sickness and then all the anxiety of how my labor and delivery would go. Well, you know the story about that and needless to say, I did not mourn the last time I would be pregnant.

I was happy at the prospect of losing the weight and never having to do that again. I was relieved my constant heartburn was subsiding and I was so excited to someday wear all my normal clothes again! No looking back.

But tonight as my 8 week old daughter and 23 month old son are soundly sleeping in their beds, I am sad. I have loved being home with them for the last 8 weeks and being their full time mom. We have had our moments. We have had fun. We have cried. We have laughed. We have slept. We have gone places and stayed home. We have had LOTS of jammie days. It was amazing.

Porter is at such a fun age. Maggie is still so little. I am still so emotional.

This is the first of many lasts that I will be missing. I hope Maggie nurses till she is 3. :)

Yes, I do know that work is good for me. I know I need to make money. I know God has ordered all of my steps and my kid's steps but I just wish I could be there for more of them. AJ's mom, Lori (Grammie) is an amazing grandma and such a blessing to us for her willingness to watch our two kids and Jana's son, Finn. She will have 3 kids at times all 2 and under! What a HUGE blessing! Porter loves his Grammie and Maggie will too as she grows. Lori and Al turned one of their guest rooms in their home to a completely kid-safe playroom and it is beautiful and lots of fun. So I do know my kids will be well taken care of.

I am just sad tonight. Guess I better get to bed so I can get some rest before the whirlwind of a morning as we all get ready to head off into our 'new' normal.