.processing.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Life seems to be crazy for so many people. I can really only speak for myself and I do know for me and my family, life has been CRAZY. We are only 5 months in to 2011 and this year is one for the books as far as this DeBacker family goes. One year ago, we found out we were going to be adding a new member of the family only to find out 2 days later AJ's current job was receiving a cut in the number of hours and thus would spiral down to less pay and very high medical insurance costs. God then led AJ to a new job opportunity in July and what has been an amazing job for AJ with the Salem Keizer school district. He loves his job. It has ups and downs but then again what job doesn't. We felt blessed that God had provided AJ with a full time job and medical benefits. He was off and running with his new job and along came Maggie on January 16th. And what a whirlwind that was.

We were reeling. We hung tight to each other. We hugged each other, held our son and hugged our family and friends. We felt God wrapping his arms around us and we never ever felt alone. It was a time of fear of the unknown, trust in our almighty God and love like we have never experienced from everyone near and far, known and unknown around us. We prayed and cried. Cried and prayed. And tried to laugh and act normal every now and then. One week and a day after Maggie entered the world, blue and breathless, we were taking our baby home from the NICU. She entered the world on a cold, windy rainy night and we brought her home on a glorious, bright sunshine day!

So now we are four months out and I am still processing. I look at the medical bills that are coming in (no complaints as we have insurance and a beautiful daughter). I see all the things we want to do with our home. I dream about taking a vacation this summer and I hear of all the lay offs and job cuts the school district is making. And I am overwhelmed.

But God is gracious and all knowing and loves and cares about even the sparrows. So I know he still loves and cares about me.

Why am I struggling? AJ still has a job. I know, a huge AMEN, right? He is baffled and I am baffled and we know God has a reason and for this we are so so so thankful. Our daughter is thriving and is hitting milestones and impressing the doctors. She is babbling and rolling over just like a normal baby. We are astounded by her daily. Both of our kids are beautiful and amazing and such "easy" kids that I honestly couldn't ask for me. So again, I ask, why I am struggling?

I guess when I pictured life after my baby girl in 2011, I pictured it differently. And yes, I know, this is a stage of the nonn stop nursing, fully reliant on you baby stage. I am not complaining. This will be over soon. It is all the other things I wasn't expecting. Traumatic birth, ambulance rides, NICU, medical bills, ER trip, family sickness, broken water heater, giving away one of our dogs, finding more and more gray hairs on my head. This is just life, right? Well, I guess I just feel like my turn at life should be over. It is time for another person's turn. You know, when you play the game of life and you drive the pink car, spin the wheel and do your turn. Now it is the blue cars turn.

Please don't feel like I am complaining. God has given us sooo many things as well. In no means does this post lessen all the things we have been given. Just processing. Writing is so cathartic. Just getting it out helps me some. And now the blog world knows how I am feeling. Overwhelmed but blessed. Kind of a weird place to be, I guess.

Enough processing and rambling. I'm out.